Family of Origin

4. Closed Family System

Otherwise known as Dysfunctional, Unhealthy, or Co-dependent Family System

Note: In this context, the term ‘dysfunctional’ means—inability to function appropriately and adequately using all the senses and powers, creativity, spontaneity and vitality needed to be a fully functional human being.

The Marriage Relationship

Incomplete self, and low self-esteem (or pseudo self-esteem) lays the foundation for a relationship that is stressed and dysfunctional.

The couple—

· are bonded by their neediness rather than by real love, a situation they rarely recognise;

· unconsciously seek to fill unmet dependency needs from childhood, causing a power struggle. They project anger, resentment and disappointment onto each other;

· can appear to be perfect on the outside, but in reality live an ‘invisible divorce’. They share little or no closeness, intimacy or communication, and

· are unaware they are repeating patterns of behaviour from their past—the rules, beliefs, and parenting styles. They neither see nor understand their dysfunction.

· Dysfunctional marriages create dysfunctional families—the seed-beds of abandonment.

· The children become enmeshed in the family system and lose their individuality and self-determination.

The Fantasy Bond in the Marriage Relationship

The Fantasy Bond is an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defence, that is originally formed with the mother, and later with significant others, leading to maladaptive behaviour.

· The couple avoids real closeness and affection, forming dependency ties instead. The resultant appearance of enduring love is a fantasy, existing only in the imagination.

· The fantasy of being connected functions as defence from the underlying pain and fear of abandonment (separation—aloneness). Bonded by illusion, the couple remain emotionally deadened to their own feelings, and to those of their children. They avoid or inhibit those who threaten to awaken their repressed emotions. After years of being together all that is left is a fantasy of love. They protect the fantasy by maintaining the form of love—the roles, the routines, the accepted behaviours such as anniversaries and birthdays. They maintain the fantasy long after they have stopped behaving in loving and respectful ways.

· Respect, care and concern of a simple friendship are no longer evident. The couple’s behaviour embraces pretence, secrecy, disgust, deception, hostility and indifference. But they are so dependent on each other they cannot contemplate the thought of being separate.

Nobody told me 105